Often married couples fall into the habit of only talking about the everyday and necessary topics related to the home, kids, and finances. The long, intimate conversations you had when you first got together have been muffled by the routines of the daily life. These were the earnest conversations that created the strongest bonds between you and your partner, helped maintain romance and trust. Try exploring whether your marriage is lacking in this department. If it is, talk about how you both can prioritize this.
What to do if more time is needed to talk?
Sometimes one partner in the marriage may desire more intimate conversations than their spouse. One of you might want to talk, while the other spouse needs some time alone. Your partner might want to cuddle and have a small conversation after sex, and you may be ready to hit the sheets. One of you might feel detached or in need of communication, while the other one feels satisfied and fulfilled with the current situation.
There is no right or wrong measure of intimate communication. Every married couple must work on this together, based on each partner’s distinct needs and wishes. If you are the one who needs more communication, then you must tell this to your partner. Outline specifically what it is that you need, and ask your partner what they are willing and able to do about it.
How to express that you don’t want to talk
There will be moments in your marriage that neither one of you will want to have a deep conversation, whether it is because you are tired, stressed or that you just simply need some time to wind down. Remember that this can come off as rejection, especially if your partner does not know how you are feeling. Inform each other of your feelings. Assure your spouse that your mood or behavior is not a reflection on how you feel towards them and that you simply do not feel like talking. Discuss ways to let each other know when either one of you is feeling this way to avoid feeling excluded. A lack of open communication will cause a huge crack in your marriage that will be difficult to repair.
What is the best way to talk about a concern?
A lot of people do not like to be the bearer of bad news or to address conflict. Despite that, there will always be a problem or a concern that will need to be tended to in a marriage. Whether the problem relates to the marriage or it’s a negative situation that impacts both of you, these tough conversations aggravate so many emotions. When we’re caught up in the negative emotions, we can take it out on each other. Discuss together how you each react to hearing difficult info and how the other can approach the matter so that you both can address it with a clear mind and kind words.
Tone of Voice
Sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it. If your tone of voice sounded hurtful to your partner, they may be offended or think something is amidst. Subtle vocal shifts are passive-aggressive ways of communicating annoyance or frustration. The way to prevent this is to make a slight change in your tone. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how our tone might sound to others. This can be problematic especially in the beginning of a marriage. As you spend more time together, you may be able to recognize each other’s tone and know the meaning. Find out from your partner if your tone of voice is upsetting or aggressive.
What topics should we only discuss in person (not by text, email, or phone)?
With emojis being used to communicate and texting being the primary mode of talking for many people, including married couples, things can be misinterpreted. Some topics are better discussed in person, rather than over text. Intimate conversation and important information simply should not be discussed through electronic devices. These conversations require face-to-face interaction. Talk together about what is not okay to talk about over the phone and what is. Promise each other that you won’t use email or texting as a stage for conflict or bitterness.
Do you feel like you can tell me anything?
We all have secrets, regrets, and reprehensible feelings. Often, we repress these feeling and memories because it seems easier. Bottling up these negative emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy deeds. You should feel safe enough with your spouse to share these feelings. Sometimes we don’t, not because of our partner but out of fear. Fear that your spouse may dismiss your feelings, or not take them as seriously as you do. Real intimacy can’t happen if we don’t feel safe in sharing and being vulnerable. We need to encourage our partners that their fears, shame, and pain will be treated with dignity and without judgment. We need to provide that safe space for them to know they are loved and accepted no matter what.
Am I free to talk about anything?
The number of people you dated, or the one time during the spring fling – these topics may be delightful memories for you but can be uncomfortable for your spouse to hear. Other people’s drama or gossip may bother your spouse and they would prefer to not hear it. There are several topics that you or your partner may not like to hear or talk about. Find out from each other what topics are difficult to talk about and if it is important to the both of you. Compromise or find a solution to what can be shared.
What should we talk about?
Deep conversation is a lovely way to learn more about each other. You can find areas of common interest and broaden your perceptions. Discussing books, movies, politics, or current events may be a common ground. Or savoring in deep philosophical discussions or talking about self-improvement and personal growth. The only way to find out is to communicate. Set some time aside and get to know each other again.