Sex is one of the most important aspects of a marriage, and one of the most challenging at times. We are all individuals with different sexual wants in terms of frequency, position, intensity, and even time of day. There are so many different things that contribute to our sexual desire that the odds are actually against two people with perfectly matching sex drives finding one another. The truth is, most couples have to do some work to find a balance that satisfies them both sexually.
If you’re struggling to find a way to make different sexual appetites work, we have a few tips for finding a way to keep you both satisfied, without resorting to frustration and fighting.
Avoid blame and avoid being defensive
When one partner is decidedly more interested in sex than the other, it can be difficult to avoid feeling defensive and placing blame. To many spouses, lack of sexual desire equates to rejection, and being undesired, which in turn leads to anger and defensive behavior. Often, the partner that is less interested in sex may feel attacked, inadequate, or insecure, making sex less likely.
When discussing differing sex drives, be sure to approach with the attitude that both partners are perfectly ok, and perfectly normal, and simply seek a compromise. One partner may find they satisfy some sexual desire through masturbation, or you may consider experimenting with different types of sex, at different times of the day, to encourage a new rhythm. For example, it is normal for men to experience a decrease in testosterone level with age. If that is what is happening to you or your spouse, you first need to make sure that you are eating a healthy diet and taking all the right supplements. The level of testosterone is typically the highest in the morning. This is something very counterintuitive, but if something is not working, you could try to get intimate with your partner first thing in the morning and see how that goes. Another thing to remember is that certain sports, such as weightlifting, significantly increase the level of testosterone in men. If it is the husband that is having issues, trying different times of day and times before and after activities such as weightlifting could be very helpful.
However you begin to resolve the problem, be sure to approach it as one to be solved together. Remember, it is not you versus your spouse: it is you and your spouse against the issue.
Be open to your partner’s desires
A dissatisfying sex life can be a very upsetting thing. It is important that you not let anger or resentment get in the way of moving forward with your spouse, especially if you hope to heat things up in bed. If your partner trusts you enough to share their needs and desires, honor that trust be being supportive and open to new ideas.
If you shame your partner, act disinterested, or discourage them from sharing, it will be very difficult for you both to find a way to heal and enjoy more sexual time together. Be open to your partner’s desires, and kind, even if there are differences in your appetites.
Be willing to experiment in solving the problem
We don’t always know what we will like in bed until we have tried it. If your partner is interested in trying something that isn’t too wild for you, give it a try even if you aren’t completely interested. Make the pleasure of your partner into your priority. Seeing your partner excited can help you get really excited, too. You may find you like it, and your spouse may even find that they are not as interested in some things as they thought they would be. Being open to experimentation will keep your sex lives fun, light, and evolving – a perfect combination for a healthy sexual relationship.
Though frustrating and at times, hurtful, mismatched sex drives don’t necessarily spell doom for a relationship. There are some couples whose sexual needs vary so wildly that they are not able to reconcile their views, but it is likely that this issue would reveal itself very early in your relationship. If you, and your spouse are committed to one another, and committed to finding a sexual rhythm that works for you both, there is hope. Be sure to face it as a problem to be solved together, without resorting to fighting, and you’ll find that it is much easier to find a sexual common ground.