Question: Coach Allana, is it wrong for me to start fantasizing about other women if my wife has stopped trying? A coworker at work has started coming on a little strong. While I have been a very good boy, I’m tired of putting up resistance is my wife doesn’t give a damn. Am I wrong to just go for it?
Answer: I certainly understand that you must be frustrated because your wife has stopped trying and appears to not give a damn. It must make you feel rejected, hurt and not desired or appreciated, yes? I wonder how long this has been going on… months? Years?
It makes total sense when you haven’t been sexually intimate with your wife (and instead might be receiving the cold shoulder) that you would start fantasizing about other women. So it’s most certainly not wrong that you started fantasizing, however I think a more effective question is whether doing so is a contribution or detriment to your marriage.
Sexy coworkers that our normally unnoticeable… tend to show up strong on the radar whenever there are problems at home. It doesn’t surprise me that who you’re BEING with a coworker, is potentially far more attentive or affectionate than normal, which would be met with her coming on a little more strong, yes?
I feel like you’ve let this go on for so long not getting your needs met from your wife, that you feel your revenge is justified, that having an affair is somehow your only choice, that you are a victim of circumstance, that you are making excuses to just “go for it”.
I’m not condoning your wife’s behavior. However you asked great man so I’m going to give you my honest opinion. You’re giving away your power as a victim to your circumstances and acting like a teenager who hasn’t learned masculine nobility yet.
An empowering question to ask would be, What’s it gonna take to change my marriage so that there is honor, appreciation and a hot healthy intimacy?
I know the first thing that might come to mind is that it’s impossible, it’ll never happen, why even try… I get that.
But consider that you’ve probably been asking different questions that have led to this result… Perhaps you’ve been asking why is my wife such a bitch? Why doesn’t she desire me? Why does my marriage suck? Why is life so unfair? Why did I marry her? Asking those questions over and over for months if not years has created your situation, yes?
So please trust me when I say… if we start asking a different question, we WILL get a new reality.
Now maybe the new reality is that your sacred contract of marriage is complete in which case it’s time to step up an honor that with integrity, accountability, responsibility and complete your agreement with Grace, honor, consideration and consciousness.
But only after giving it your best shot so there’s no regrets… Or the exact same problems that led to this relationship falling apart, will show up in the next relationship.
Wherever you go… There you are ?
To me a Noble Badass would go through a series of sessions with me, a proven coach and healer, to get to the root of the issues. Let’s see if there are two people who are willing to heal, grow and work at reestablishing intimacy, honor and respect in the relationship. If so, roll up your sleeves and do the work. If not, consciously uncoupled with honor and Grace. Then off you go and discover if your coworker is your next soulmate.
Instead of the low vibration of revenge and blame and instant gratification, I recommend you maturely step into your nobility, keep your heart open and come to terms with the situation you’re in, so that no matter what happens, you’re acting in integrity with your values, virtues and core essence.
I recommend you and your wife apply for a complementary strategy session with me at www.allanapratt.com/connect. I recommend we go through a series of six sessions together in by the end make a choice whether your relationship is salvageable and we put the pieces in place for it to heal and thrive… Or we choose to uncouple with Grace and respect.