How to Overcome Different Sex Drives

“I can’t color enough, I would color all day, every day, if I had my way. I would use every crayon in my box.’’ Samantha Jones.

How Often Do You Like to Color?

There is a very memorable scene in the movie, Sex and The City, where the four ladies meet, for one of their famous brunches, and discuss, as they often do, their relationships, and sex lives. Charlotte’s daughter is with them, so they use the word “color”, instead of saying, “sex.”

Samantha Jones’ character, famously, has a voracious appetite for all things carnal, to which Carrie Bradshaw replies, “We get it! You like to color…” The question, on the proverbial table, is, what is normal, and how often, does each couple have sex, and when did they, each lady, last have sex. All the answers are notably different.

Every Couple Colors Differently

Charlotte answers that she has sex two or three times a week, Miranda Hobbes confesses that for her, it’s been 6 months.

“Oh, my!” Carrie answers, carrying on coloring in, with the little girl, trying to hide her shock. An awkward silence falls over the table before they all start asking questions. The ladies are worried about their friend. They rally, and discuss the matter. Miranda tries to brush it away, listing the demands of her busy life – from work to family commitments – explaining that she and her husband, Steve, are just going through a dry spell.

“I bet it is,” Samantha Jones’ character can’t help but add. Carrie, the resident sex-pert, has remained, unusually, quiet. The ladies then ask her, and finally cajole an answer, from her. Although Bradshaw’s character writes, and discusses, sex and relationships –  for a living – she is reluctant to talk about her own sex life. (With the famous, Mr. Big.) Charlotte insists, “Come on. I told. Tell.”

Carrie, still coloring, shakes her head, then pauses, her eyes light up, and she confesses, to a rapt audience, a tiny, scintillating, detail. “Mm-mm. But I will tell you this. When Big colors…he rarely stays in the lines.”

Everyone, except for Miranda, finds Carrie’s witty innuendo, about her sex life, titivating.

Stereotypes and Misconceptions

While Sex and The City may just be a movie, the characters, and their four – very different-  sex lives, show that different people, and relationships, are each unique. Too often, men are portrayed, and thought of, as sex mad, animals- driven by their base desires- while women are expected to remain virginal, innocent, or, have a weaker sex drive.

These gender stereotypes, are alive and well, despite our sensitivity to these issues, even today, in the 21st Century. Beware. Both men and women have different sex drives, relative to a host of complex factors, from your upbringing to your physical health and fitness.

Libido, Life, and Synchronicity

You’re feeling amorous, but, your partner always seems to have “a headache.” Your partner is working 24/7, and you’re working night shifts, and your sex life has become the odd, morning, quickie.


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Your partner is always “tired,” and you’re getting tired… of excuses. Your partner has a very strong sex drive, but, for you, at the moment, all your energy is going into your job. You barely have time to breathe. There are many reasons why you, or your partner, may not be on the same page when it comes to sex.

Work, life, health, sleep, stress – all of these can affect our relationships, our desires, and, our sex drives.

How do we get in synch?

Start talking. Nobody is a mind reader. If your sex drive is particularly low, you may need to see your doctor. For both men, and women, there may be physiological reasons, that you are feeling this way. There may be issues, in your relationship, that need resolving, before your partner wants to resume sexual relations with you. Are you really mismatched? In the bedroom? Has your partner lost interest in sex?

While people may have different sex drives, generally speaking, these are superficial differences, in your relationship, that can be resolved through compromise and communication. If seduction, communication, and compromise, are still not working for you (and your partner), there may be deeper issues at hand.

You might consider professional assistance in resolving your issues. You may need to engage the services of a trained relationship counselor, sex therapist, or, counseling psychologist. We all like to color.

If your partner doesn’t want to color, with you, or if you feel that you have different expectations about sex, you might need to sit down and talk things through. Actions may speak louder than words, but, conversations are important, too – whether you rarely like to like to stay in the lines, or, use every crayon in your box.