Therapists Share How to Mend a Sexless Marriage

So, maybe you can hardly remember the last time you and your partner had sex. The truth is, if you’ve been together a long time, you might have slipped into a pattern of no sex. If sex is no longer on the menu, it might point to deeper relationship issues.

Sexless marriages are far more common than you might think. In fact, experts say that between 15 and 20 percent of marriages are sexless, meaning a couple has sex less than 10 times per year.

The reasons for marriages without sex are several, and some couples are perfectly living without sex. But what if you actually want sex and aren’t getting it. We spoke to the experts about how to put the sex back into your relationship. Read on for some sage advice …


Get talking

Instead of telling people to just go home and ‘do it,’ the first step to repairing a sexless marriage is to encourage conversation about sex. Many people don’t talk about sex at all. Even relationship experts say that couples usually struggle to talk about sex, let alone about living in a marriage that is sexless. The truth is, though, talking about it in a productive, non-critical way is an excellent way of re-creating intimacy and a beginning to solving the problem. Introduce the subject gently and non-confrontationally.

This is sensitive territory, and you need to treat each other gently. If, after trying, you can’t bring yourself to talk, you might like to seek professional help to get you communicating. Don’t be embarrassed to seek professional advice.

Remember that relationship experts and sex therapists talk about sex every day of their lives. It’s not embarrassing to them in the slightest, and because they’ve probably heard everything before, nothing you’re going to tell them is going to shock.


Be realistic

If you compare your sex life to what you see on TV or in the movies, you’re probably going to think you’re the only person on the planet that isn’t having masses of fantastic sex. But what you see on screen or in romance novels is not real life. And your friends, if the “How’s your sex life?” question comes up, might not be telling the truth about how great theirs are, either.

If your sex life isn’t what you would like it to be, you are nowhere near alone. That’s not to say that something can’t be done about it. This brings us back to communication. Have that conversation. Have lots of conversations, but talk about sex with your partner.


So, what’s the problem?

Experts say that the cause of a sexless marriage often has nothing to do with sex. It’s more that the couple has lost their connection with each other. Perhaps they take each other for granted and have started to drift apart.

Sometimes, because of a lack of communication and unresolved issues, resentment might build up between partners. All these issues impact a couple’s sex life, and each couple is different. The cause of the lack of sex needs should be addressed. If the problem is that sex is not enjoyable, there are plenty of strategies that can help.


Take action

Once you find out where the problem lies, you can work on resentments that might have built up. Keep talking. You should spend more time together and make an effort to develop real emotional closeness, intimate conversation, and affection.

Partners often differ in the amount of sex they are content with. This discrepancy can be sorted out by scheduling sex. No, it’s not as weird as it sounds, but it might even make you laugh, so all the better. Once to three times a week should be about right, but stay on schedule.

If all else fails, reach out for professional help. Finding a qualified professional is as easy as doing a Google search for therapists in your area. Or ask your health care provider for a recommendation.